The Jump From 1 to 2

This is a topic I’ve wanted to tuck into for a while because so many of you have asked about my experience going from one babe to two.  And now that I’ve got a full year now under my belt, I feel able to share how it’s been for me. I told RG I was working on this post and as we were talking quickly realized our experiences and perspectives on the subject are TOTALLY DIFFERENT.  So, I thought I’d offer you both.  I realize my feelings could change once I’m back to work but for now here’s now here’s how it’s been for me.

Danielle’s Take:

I’ve shared before how we were “one and done.” Bea was going to be it for us.  Mainly because I found the shock of going from zero to one like landing on another planet, in the dark, starving and naked (except for my adult diaper).  This new planet looked nothing like my old home and I didn’t speak the language.  I’m not even sure that adequately expresses just how THROWN I was when I became a Mom.  I went into motherhood with such an easy-breezy mindset. “How hard could it be?” I often said while I was pregnant.  (My friends make fun of how laissez faire I was to this day).  Sure, I knew life was going to change, but I didn’t anticipate my old life evaporating with it.  It felt like BMD’s (before motherhood Danielle) existence came to an immediate and screeching halt then vanished into thin air the minute Bea came into the world.  Almost like it never existed. I remember when she was just a few days old my brother stopped by our house to pick something up on his way to a baseball game.  I was floored at how easily he was just going out there into the world.  He was freshly showered and rested.  His arms weren’t full of baby junk.  He was autonomous.  Alone.  Free.  His time was his to do whatever he wanted. In that moment I recalled my old life and I missed it so deeply and desperately.  I broke down and cried when he closed the door and left, walking down my driveway off to a day of fun with his friends.  For my entire adult life, I had done whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to do it. My new life looked and felt nothing like that.  And I struggled, hard.

Have you heard the phrase “1 is 1 but 2 is like 20?” It rolled around in my head a lot when we were deciding whether or not to have a second child.  One babe was *such* a seismic shift, how would two affect me? 

Well, to be honest, the shift hasn’t felt that overwhelming at all.  And I think that’s for a few reasons.  Firstly, because the shock was so extreme when I had Bea that the second didn’t seem as overwhelming. So much of what Mom life looks like (for me) was baked in. I was used to early mornings, interrupted sleep, skipping showers, having no free time, messes upon messes upon messes, not being able to grab a last-minute drink after work, spending 99.9% of my evenings at home (googling baby stuff) and having to book a babysitter to have a date night with Randall.  I didn’t think of my “old life” in any romantic, yearning way anymore. Family life is exactly what and where I want to be so a new baby didn’t make me miss anything.  It just added to the chaos and the love.

I also think the age gap between my girls has helped immensely.  Beatrix was three and a half when Marigold came along and she was already really independent in so many ways.  She could play alone and not be a danger to herself.  She was fully potty trained, could feed herself (even getting her own snacks out of the cupboard), dress herself and communicate her needs. She makes her bed and clears her dishes from the table meaning less chores for Mama.  She’s also been a HUGE help with Marigold.  She’s happy to keep her entertained if I need a minute and is often an extra set of hands if I need her to grab something from another room.  It gives her such sense of satisfaction and big girl-ness when she helps out with the baby. When I was pregnant, I wondered if I would have preferred to have my kids closer in age (two years apart like my brother and I) now I know that answer is a hell no.  I have one baby and one big girl and that has been such a blessing.  Two in diapers and high chairs and cribs would have been way too much for me.  I give the three year age gap 5 stars.

Randall and I do trade- off parenting meaning we alternate mornings getting up with the girls.  Marigold wakes about 6:45-7 and Bea is usually up about 7:30. The mornings he gets up I enjoy a little quiet time before starting the day.  I liken it to being on a plane and taxiing on the runway before taking off.  I slowly get up to cruising altitude then start the day with the kids.  This will likely change during the week when I go back to work but it’s something we’ll keep doing on the weekends.  It’s a nice break for each of us physically and mentally and I highly recommend it if you can make it work.   

I think the only time I feel the strain of two kids is if we have to pack them up and load them into the car and travel for any distance. Those days I feel like I have three-hundred kids. Because a typical drive anywhere for us is over two hours one of us gets the short straw and sits in the back with the humans.  Once Marigold is a little older we’ll both be in the front but for now she’s needy and whiney in the car so this is how we roll.  A game of rock, paper, scissor determines who gets to drive and who gets stuck in the back.

Over to you, Randall!

Randall’s Take:

I’m not going to sugar coat it for you. Two kids is at the very least, three times the amount of output. And don’t let anyone tell you different.

Yes, you’re more prepared psychologically. Your body has acclimatized to the lack of sleep. You have more resolve for the “difficult” parenting and you don’t have a panic attack seeing meconium.

But sweet-mary-Xanadu having two kids is tough.

With one kid, you can run a man-to-man defence because your teammate can spell you. You can catch your breath, replenish your fluids and get some ice on that bum knee. When you get tagged back in you are reborn. Icarus rising. You feel like you can do anything. But with two kids man-to-man isn’t sustainable. There would never be a chance to rest and recharge. You have to switch to zone defence.

And as anyone will tell you, if you’re outnumbered, in a zone defence, chances are you’re going to get scored on.

Now, Danielle will tell you that Bea is old enough to be on our side. That she’s going to help out with Marigold. And it’s true. She is a magnificent big sister.

But make no mistake, if Bea gets the rock and she’s unguarded even for a second that girl is driving for the hoop and she’s going to throw it down. She’s going to poster you and leave you on the floor like you just got called up from the farm league.

Because it’s simple math. Yes, two kids is twice the amount of work, but it’s not twice the amount of time. You still have roughly the same amount of time to accomplish their days requirements, water, food and shelter, but now you’re doing it twice, and therein lies the rub.

Things will fall through the cracks.

Plus all those great moves you developed over the course of the first one, you know, the onehanded-football-carry, the cradle-crossover, the pass-and-go-fish and The Statue of Liberté are all useless now. You’re going to need to throw your whole playbook in the garbage because you’re out here trying to write a blog post using basketball and football metaphors but the new one is playing Bo-Taoshi.

You don’t even know how to pronounce Bo-Taoshi.

So the question becomes is it worth is it? Is it worth the sweat? The tears. The hustle. 

The answer of course is yes.

Because now you’re not just trying for that cup or trophy. Now you get a chance at whatever it is the winning team gets for Bo-Taoshi.

And sports, well, they’re fun.