My Mat Leave Mindset
It’s really starting to hit me that not only is this baby coming soon, but that I’m going to be leaving my job (a job I love, with people I love working with) for a while. We take a 2-week break at the holidays, so as of Monday the 4 weeks left of work countdown is on, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t feeling anxious about it. Not about leaving my job for a while, but about being at home.
Here’s the thing: While I LOVE being a Mom and I LOVE Bea (and G2) more than anything ever, of all time, the end….I didn’t LOVE being on mat leave. There, I said it. I feel the need to mention that I am acutely aware of how lucky we are to live in a country that has such wonderful benefits for new parents, and on top of that, I am so fortunate to work for an incredibly supportive company. But mat-leave-life just wasn’t my thing. I found it cripplingly lonely, isolating and I missed my job and the fulfillment it gives me, immensely. I remember scrolling Instagram seeing other new Moms live that best mat-leave life, wondering what they’re doing that I’m not? I tried the groups and the classes, we went out strolling every single day, and yet from 2pm on I found myself watching the clock waiting for Randall to come home to tell me about his day and work and the outside world.
Me in my old sweats aka my uniform
This was my hairstyle for 3 straight months
The Groundhog Day feeling really took a toll on me. Baby got up, I got up, threw on some old sweats and downstairs we went to eat/play/stare at the wall waiting for naptime. Before I had a baby, I remember hearing Moms say baby life was so all consuming and so hard; they didn’t even have time to shower. I remember thinking (like a smug jerk), how hard could it be to fit in a 10 min shower? Those people just need to manage their time better. Well, after many weeks of 3 consecutive shower-less days I got it. Life was HARD. Way harder than I ever imagined. If the baby slept, I was cleaning up the pockets of messes in every corner of the house. Washing and sterilizing bottles was a full time job (I struggled terribly with breastfeeding.) I remember one day in particular, I was on the living room floor with Bea on her play mat, Randall came downstairs all fresh and ready for work, and I just started bawling. Looking at my well-groomed husband as I sat there in 3-day-old sweats that I’ve had since the early 2000’s, I sobbed, “I just want to shower.” He was so confused, he thought I was fine. “I haven’t showered in 3 days and you’re fresh and leaving the house and you’re going to work to talk to grown-ups and I’m stuck in here.” He came and hugged me and said all the wonderfully supportive things he’s so good at. “I had no idea you were struggling this badly, babe.” I was a mess. Physically, emotionally and mentally.
No one can prepare you for the completely life-altering event of having a baby. It’s one of those things you have to live to understand. It was as though my life as I’d known it for years, came to a screeching halt the day Bea came home. I didn’t take long for me to miss, me. My job, my friends, the outside world of restaurants and socializing without a care in the world, late nights staying up talking to Randall…I missed it all. And I missed having TIME.
One of the many selfies I sent Randall during the day when things felt tough
I stayed home for 10 months with Beatrix and slowly we found our groove, I loved the time we had together, just us, but I can’t say I ever loved being on leave.
This time around I feel slightly better equipped with a little more knowledge on what to possibly expect. And I’m resolving to let a lot of things go, try and enjoy the time (even the endless groundhog-like days) because this will be the last time I have this opportunity. And because I now know how fast it goes and how much better it really does get.
So here goes – the things I hope to do differently this time around:
1. I’m donating all the nasty old sweats I lived in the last time. It’s amazing how instantly mood altering putting on something you feel good in can be. I’ve purchased new loungewear that is stylish and comfy that I know I’ll look and feel good in. I’m all for anyone living in their ex bf’s sweats, braless without a care in the world, but this is for me and no one else.
2. Showering daily. A girls gotta try.
3. Letting go of so many ridiculous pressures I put on myself. As I mentioned my journey with breastfeeding sucked (ha) BADLY. And I put myself through hell mentally, physically and emotionally trying everything to make it work. I’m going to try again, give it my best effort, but I will not go to the lengths I did last time. Not. Worth. It.
4. Goodbye perfectly tidy house! If the baby sleeps and it means I can nap or read or do anything other than clean, I plan to.
5. Do things for me without guilt. This one is a biggie and will be my biggest challenge by far. But, if I’m not good, what good am I to my baby and my family?
6. Asking for help and accepting help when it’s offered. I turned down so many wonderfully kind offers from people just wanting to give me a break because I felt I had to do it all.
I’m hoping by sharing these plans, it keeps me accountable to my new view on maternity leave. And that by making these changes, I give myself the opportunity to enjoy the time I have at home with my baby a little bit more. Because for real, we’re done this time.
Big love,
Danielle
